Ready or not here it comes, holiday season is in the windshield with Thanksgiving just around the corner. With so much happening, it’s easy to get overwhelmed. So many people to make happy. Everywhere you go its food, or drinks, or both. It’s a 30+ day buffet!
It’s also important to remember this is a really difficult time for some people. Past family memories, hurts, and other traumas cause them to hate the lights, trees, and music. For them, this time of year is just a reminder of a lot of hurt and pain. This is true for many betrayed spouses. The holidays hold a lot of hurt! Sometimes it feels like everyone else in the world just throws on a “happy face” while inside they feel sacred, alone, and afraid the past will be repeated.
No matter what our experience has been, the holidays are full of conflicts. There are family members we don't see often, and now we have to be in CLOSE proximity to them. Some we don’t mind and some we look forward to seeing. But there is always “that person.” You know the one. The person who has a lot of opinions and makes sure everybody hears them.
How about making this year better? If you are up for a better holiday experience with your spouse, with your family and everyone else, read on. First, we must acknowledge that conflict happens, especially around the holidays. It has a habit of just showing up and working overtime this time of year. So how do we survive holiday conflict? I am glad you asked. I like to use the method.
H-Hopes
E-Expectations
B-Boundaries
E-Exit
HOPES are all about what we HOPE will happen in this moment, party, family event or even the holidays in general. It is okay, even healthy, to have hopes or dreams for your life. So why not have hopes for the holidays too? Maybe you “hope we can buy for all the family and keep it under a certain dollar amount” or “I hope I don’t gain 10 pounds this year.” Saying it out loud and sharing it with the ones we trust to do life with helps us to be known. It also creates an opportunity to receive what you are longing for.
EXPECTATIONS are what we see as real possibility. These can be both positive and challenging. I am expecting a hot and delicious Christmas ham with all the trimmings. Do you expect your uncle to drink too much and be stupid? Maybe a wife expects her spouse to help with the kids while visiting the folks. By sharing that expectation, she creates a clear target of what she wants from her husband. Without expressing it, she is set up to be let down, hurt, and for resentment to grow. When we don’t share our expectations there is little to no chance of getting what we need, whether that is avoiding the drunk uncle or having someone else change a diaper. But if we share our expectations, our odds of success skyrocket!
BOUNDARIES are the things we create to protect what is important to us. It keeps important things in, and it puts those things that can harm or hurt out. Because I value my kids being happy and not grumpy tomorrow (which makes my life really hard) I put a boundary around how late we stay at the grandparent’s house tonight. I am keeping the good things (happy smiling kids and happy smiling dad) inside the protection of good rest and the harmful (grumpy dad) out. By talking about this with my wife and kids before we leave for grandma and grandpa’s house, we are all aware and ready for that boundary. We know why it is there and why it is important, making respecting it easier for us.
EXIT is for when the boundaries are challenged or violated. This will allow unity and preparedness for how you will get out there. Some couples have a look or a gesture. They yawn in a larger-than-life display, while others tap their watch to signal to the other it’s time to pull the ripcord and exit. Other families will use a catch phrase. It doesn’t matter what you use, it just matters that you have talked about it and agree on what it is, so you are unified when it’s time to exit.
When we talk about these things in advance, we are proactive. We have had a glimpse into what our significant other has Hope for, what they desire could happen. We are on the same page about what we Expect will come our way. This lets us set up Boundaries to make things happen “Our Way” and when the inevitable heads toward us, we pull the cord and Exit safely together.
Use H.E.B.E. this holiday season and see if you don’t feel more prepared and empowered to enjoy the holidays just a little bit more.
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